Auditions, Standards and a Trip on the Ego

The process of finding my next band, has been moving along. I am definitely more cautious this time around. I'm trying to stay optimistic about the process, but it is difficult when you receive email after email from people that just want to brag about their abilities. It is disappointing when their sound clips don't live up to their claims. Nevertheless, I have been in touch with some wonderful musicians and this gives me hope that I'm not searching for something that doesn't exist.

I have been very upfront with everyone that has been auditioning. I've explained everything from music, to practice expectations, to touring, to health, to appearance and so on. I'm laying it all out there. I'm to the point that I am not worried about offending anyone. I know what I'm looking for and if people think that I'm being elitist, demanding, or out of line due to my requests, so be it. I'm not a diva. I'm just very aware of what needs to happen to have an excellent band. I feel like it would be almost easy to have an incredible band if I could line up dedicated, talented musicians that take pride in playing well and also want to achieve the highest level of performing. 

Mediocre mentality has become a wide spread disease. I can't understand why people are willing to settle for something that is moderately good, when it could be great. Why do people insist on dragging their feet through the process? Why do people stop working when they've reached the bare minimum? I find it enjoyable to practice because I know it brings me one step closer to performing something that is challenging. It makes me feel good to stretch my abilities. I've sat in on rehearsals for various bands and I am shocked at how much time they waste drinking and such. Their practice sessions are more about partying. I'm not trying to present a "holier than thou" attitude towards this, but these same bands claim to be serious...but their level of playing together says something entirely different. They may very well be great musicians, but since they spend their practices in party mode...they do not play well as a band. They don't listen to each other and only hear what their instrument is doing. Bands that actually play well together, seem to be a dying breed. Whatever happened to bands that sound great in the studio and equally good live? I totally respect the musicians that choose to jam just for the fun of it. It is a great activity/hobby to have! However, those of us that truly make performing our career, dislike it when so called "serious" bands hire us and waste our time.

I think that you can find incredible musicians that are proficient on their instrument, but lack the professional mentality to work in a group. Some people are just meant to play solo. I was talking to a drummer recently, that claims to be "the best drummer in the tri-state area" and "has the set and skills to prove it." I think that the only reason he isn't working with a band, is due to his lack of ability to work well with others. He is abrasive and more concerned with himself than a group. It is important to be confident in your abilities as a musician, but the ego trip will only get you solo gigs. I don't think that any musician has the right to be cocky about their skills. Music is such a personal thing. Every musician has something to offer, a special sound quality, a certain way of leaning on a note...subtle nuances that add up to a unique, one of a kind performer. Each musician has strengths and weaknesses...no matter how long you have performed. Once you feel that you have nothing left to learn, it is over. You can even learn from people that don't play your instrument. I have learned so much about singing from violinists and cellists. I've learned a lot about rhythm from listening to great, tight bands. There is so much to know! People with  over-inflated egos are blind to this, jealous of other musicians, and therefore, incapable of improving their own skills. Eventually, they get left behind in the dust. Being a solo drummer is a tough gig.

So, off I go to continue my search for the ideal drummer for this new chapter in my rock band adventures. I am cautiously optimistic that the people I have lined up, will be THE group that will be able to accomplish some amazing things. I'm holding my breath though. I have taken every step to make sure that I end up with the right people, but life happens. I have doubts due to my past experiences. However, I will refuse to hold back and destroy my own creativity. Bitterness is a very dangerous thing. I plan to jump into this experience and give my best. If it doesn't work out...I'll remind myself of what I've learned, drink another round of Starbucks, and move onto the next chapter.

The Cost of Happiness

As I continue my search for a serious band, I am reminded of what this endeavor has already cost me. I do a reality check with myself often and question whether I have the stamina/desire to continue on. I most definitely do! Giving up at this point is a ridiculous thought that pops into my head on difficult days, but I quickly laugh it off. I think it is normal and healthy to question anything that is consuming your life in every way imaginable. I absolutely love working with a band, but I don't think people realize how difficult and unglamorous this career can be. Like everything that is displayed on the pages of magazines, television, computers, etc...the visions of grandeur lead people to believe so many lies.

My desire to perform rock has cost me more than I ever thought it would. My social life has taken quite a dive. I'm incredibly busy...even without a band. I practice and write every day for hours. I spend time searching for the right musicians, scanning their bios and listening to sound clips. I study and listen to the most successful rock musicians in history. I research the legal and financial aspects of the industry. It is a full time job that doesn't provide a paycheck at this point. I teach private music lessons and play the piano for various ensembles to keep myself afloat. Holding a "normal" job, doesn't allow me the flexibility to travel to rehearsals/gigs and if I accept such a position, I am sealing the deal and essentially saying that I am done with rock. My life would be so much easier if I had a standard "society says it is normal" job, but I would hate my life. There are enough miserable people in the world that have followed society's rules and lies. I refuse to give up my life so that society will be comfortable and pleased with my choices. Having my own business has given me an edge when it comes to staying accountable. I understand that if I don't work hard, I will not have success and it will be my fault. I am able to run a band as a business and keep everyone on task. It is important to set goals and hold to them. I don't enjoy the relaxed attitudes of previous bands that have requested that I learn to relax and have fun. I DO have fun...when we have achieved a decent level of playing. Sounding awful, dreaming about being good "someday" and doing drugs is simply NOT fun for me. I take pride in doing a great job and staying healthy. I work first, relax later. I feel like it would be so easy to have an incredible band in record time if I could just locate like-minded individuals. I am beginning to think that the calibre of musician I desire, is busy hanging out with the unicorns, snipes and leprechauns with the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

The snobbish colleagues of my classical music days have ditched me without remorse. They don't seem to understand my change in genre, but treat me as if I am now inferior. Some of them still think that after I finish with my little bout of "insanity" and come to my senses, I will return to professional flute playing or opera. They just don't understand and how could they? They are miserable themselves. I have found that the only people that truly understand my journey, are those that have gone through a great deal of effort to achieve THEIR goals. Living your life according to what others want you to do, makes your life miserable. It always seems easier to do what others expect of you. However, it is wrong for anyone to impose their ideas and expectations onto another person. People may have the best of intentions, but we all have the right to discover our lives for ourselves. Changing our minds and making mistakes is okay! 

Aside from the hefty financial cost of my sound equipment, I have paid dearly with people. My sister refuses to speak to me. She would roll her eyes at the mere mention of a band. She informed me that I should give up and get a real career that is responsible, so that I may save for retirement. However, she is living society's dream for her life and in terms of finances, I do just as well as she does. The only difference is that I am actually happy with my life. I have seen how she struggles with her desire to be happy and the desire to achieve a certain status. It is sad to watch and unfortunately, it seems to be the standard. As for my friends, the majority are very supportive and encourage me to keep pushing on. There is one friend that encouraged me initially, but later revealed that jealousy was taking hold once I started to have some success. I was hurt and stunned by this, since I had been there to watch this friend have great success in music as well. I can only assume that this is another case of unfulfilled dreams that are the result of settling for what was available at the moment. I understand this, since I used to be in the same sinking boat.

In a perfect world, I would like to see everyone encourage and support each other in pursuing the things that they want...and allowing each other to make mistakes without ridicule. In a perfect world, I would like to find a drug-free, talented, dedicated, success driven, goal oriented band...and maybe a unicorn too!

Band History

I have always enjoyed performing with other musicians. There is something special and unique about the communication that happens between musicians while performing. I've never experienced this level of communication outside of performing with excellent musicians that have dedicated countless hours to practicing together. I am looking forward to experiencing this again...soon.

It has been approximately three weeks since I have worked with a band. All total, I have worked with three bands. I realize that this is a very low number compared to many artists. Band drama (drugs, personality differences, etc), work ethic and artistic differences seem to be the reigning issues for most bandmates. In my experience, common goals and work ethic have been the big issues. I know that my "type A" personality contributes to the problem. I have too much drive and work like a crazy person. I take pride in doing things well and I don't like to take my time in getting there. The bottom line with me is that I want an excellent band of drug free individuals that enjoy pushing themselves and each other. Work ethic is HUGE with me. However, I can't seem to locate an entire band of people that actually share the same desire that I have. This has been incredibly disappointing.

My first band was pretty typical. It was a group of my friends and I loved the experience. We played covers and wrote when we were inspired. The best part was that we were all trained musicians, so we really weren't lacking in terms of skill. The problem was that we all had jobs that took up the majority of our lives and varying levels of desire to see the band progress. We couldn't seem to meet up enough to keep things going and it fizzled out. However, this band is what motivated me to really take my vocal skills to another level. They also get the credit for helping me to adjust to singing with a band. I miss this group and would work with them again if that opportunity ever came up.

The second band grew out of the first. I had asked the guitar player if he would be willing to work with me on some of the music I had written. He agreed and really did a nice job of contributing to the style. We  had a varying group of musicians that would work with us, but it was difficult to find consistent, dedicated musicians. In the end, differing goals and band drama won the battle. We split on poor terms and I was initially devastated. It is difficult to end a band when you become friends. We did end up apologizing later and ending things on a good note...or so I had thought. Apparently, I was wrong in assuming this, but people are people. I have learned a lot from this band and would prefer to remember them in a positive light. My songwriting skills improved from listening to the capabilities of the other musicians, I learned to feel more at ease in recording situations and I also expanded my knowledge of other styles/influences.

The third and final band to date, was an established band in a larger city that needed a singer. Initially, I hesitated to audition since I was concerned that I wouldn't get to work on my music or that I would feel like the "odd man out." I decided to give it a try. They were great people to be around and I appreciated their humor! We were able to relate on the loss of my previous band and the loss of their singer, but musically, we had differences that seemed to be a huge wall for me. I was quite frustrated and felt like I couldn't be myself. I finally understood why craigslist ads for musicians would specify professional musicians or untrained musicians. My way of doing things was opposite of theirs. We discussed our methods and goals...attempted to adjust, but I didn't feel that this experience was going to help me or the band. I wanted the best for all of us, so I decided to leave. This was such a difficult thing for me to do, as I had really started to feel comfortable with them and friendships were beginning. Being in a band is very much like being in a serious relationship. You don't just walk out the door and feel nothing. It hurts. So here it was...my third "break-up." I promptly went to Starbucks and comforted my post band depression with my usual macchiato and thought "now what do I do?"

The Potter's Wheel

Life has an amazingly harsh way of shaping us...whether we want to be shaped or not. It is uncomfortable and we all get our chance on the potter's wheel. The experiences that we have are invaluable and can mold us into amazing people. It is difficult to remember that while we are suffering...and even if we are conscious of this, it still hurts. We all need to be comforted and to have an outlet. Unfortunately, many people turn to unhealthy options that end up destroying their "shaping" process. Music has been my outlet, but it also caused much of my suffering as well. This holds true, even now.


Songwriting and singing rock were the direct results of a spin on the potter's wheel. I remember attempting to write music on several occasions and failing miserably. I couldn't write lyrics that weren't absolutely ridiculous. I would've been better off writing the silly little lyrics to a children's song. I had various tunes in my head, but I just lacked the ability to connect them. Even after music school, songwriting remained my weakness. As for singing rock...HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Please. I was an opera singer with the most stubborn attitude and closed mind. I was busy practicing my Italian diction and translating scores. I valued the "superior intellect" that opera seemed to require. I thought I was really impressing people with my knowledge. I felt like I was important in a very ego driven way. I was developing the diva mentality that is all too common among people that are miserable with their careers, but determined to rise to the top. Then one day, life slammed me down on the potter's wheel and chopped my head off. Thank God.


After experiencing my five year hell (see previous blog post), I finally came to the surface and gasped for air. I seriously felt like I had been underwater. Anger, is what caused me to surface. I was livid!!! I couldn't believe how so much could go so wrong, all at once. My life was no longer the same and I wanted someone to pay. There wasn't anyone to blame. It was just life. I couldn't even talk to anyone about how I felt, because no one even realized that I was having such a difficult time. I faked that I was doing just fine. I wanted to scream, so I did. I grabbed what I considered to be the worst music on the planet. Rock. I "sang" the angry songs that other artists had written out of their own awful experiences. I figured that I might as well destroy my voice since it was teasing me with the hope of having a singing career. I figured that I would save life the trouble and seal the deal. I would sing and play the piano for hours...until I cried out of frustration. I'm not going to lie, but the singing was awful. I would just plow through. I was on a mission to shred my voice. Gradually, this mission started to provide some real stress relief and therapy. I actually started to feel more calm than I had in years and I would actually cry because I was feeling the emotions of the lyrics and music. After awhile, I noticed that my voice was so much stronger. I actually sang with expression for once. My range improved drastically and the technique that I had struggled with in NYC, was magically in place. The key was that I was finally allowing my entire body to feel genuine emotion for the first time ever. No more faking. As for the songwriting...it happened naturally. It was as if God would say..."okay Keri, here ya go...a new song with lyrics and all. Go for it." I was able to speak through the music because my emotions were real and I finally had something to say. I gave my singing and writing a test run with friends and family. I was actually enjoying myself. I was happy! I was completely shocked at how I had morphed into a rock singer/songwriter. More than anything though...I couldn't believe that I didn't care if people didn't like what I was doing. I didn't need their acceptance or approval because I wasn't going to quit. I loved what I was doing and that's all that mattered.




“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." -Marshall

Finding My Voice

The piano was my first instrument. I started at a very young age and this helped to set the tone for my entire music career. I also studied clarinet, flute, violin, trumpet, percussion and other instruments along the way. My goal was to be a high school concert band director/music teacher. However, I started taking voice lessons when I was about 16 years old, after my chorus director discovered that I could sing. I had a very pure "boy soprano" sound. The discovery that I had a solo voice, happened against my own wishes. I was taking part in the Pennsylvania Music Educator's Association Sr. District Chorus Festival. My chorus teacher and friends urged me to audition for a solo that required a voice like mine. I was terrified. I had never sung a solo in public and I wasn't about to start now. My director and friends convinced me to give it a try and so I nervously waited in line for the audition. I wanted to die, but I survived this new form of torture and swore I would never do it again. When I found out that I would be the one to perform John Rutter's "Loving Shepherd of Thy Sheep" in front of a packed audience at our concert, I wanted to leave the planet. I pretended to be okay with it, but I was suffering terribly. I didn't even tell my parents that I had a solo. Finally, the night of the concert arrived and my family just about had a heart attack when I stepped forward to perform. Surprise! They had no idea that I could sing. From that point on, I was always singing something. My teachers gave me art song, arias and classic music theatre pieces to sing. I performed in recitals and musicals. Eventually, I chose to study opera in college and went off to NYC to perform and study with a wonderful voice teacher that truly helped me to find my voice. Studying opera has made my voice incredibly strong and powerful. I am forever grateful to my teacher for this experience. My little voice was transformed into something that I never knew I was capable of...but I was miserable. I decided that I would leave NYC and come home to regroup and teach private voice lessons.

I had every intention of returning to NYC, but life happened. Many wonderful and devastating things happened over a 5 year period. I experienced deaths of people that were very close to me, marriage, divorce, sickness and unbearable loneliness. We all have our stories. I just never imagined that I would experience so much for so long at such a young age. I was completely drained. I felt numb and emotionless. I continued to function on automatic pilot. I remember teaching voice lessons with a fake smile on my face, while my entire body felt like it wanted to die. I didn't want to hear music. I didn't want to exist. I was sick of everyone asking me when I was going back to NYC or when I was going to perform. I would fake a smile and give some generic, hopeful response. The truth was that I actually prayed that I wouldn't be able to sing anymore. I hated that I had this ability to sing and the desire to perform. I would sing angry songs for hours and cry. I tried to destroy my voice and it just got stronger. I just wanted to be left alone. Meanwhile, I grew tired of the angry songs I was singing and felt that I had a few things to say of my own. I began writing music and lyrics that expressed just how I felt.

Intro

Most of my life has been lived for other people. I will be the first to admit that I craved the acceptance of others. As a musician, I have chosen to pursue things in music that pleased people, so that I might gain their acceptance. I played flute out of guilt and because I was good at it. I sang opera because I felt that this intellectual pursuit would please and impress. I have a long list of things that I have accomplished in music and I am grateful for the experiences, as they have helped to make me into the musician I am today. However, everything has been for the wrong reasons and I felt empty. About two years ago, I woke up.

My parents have watched my music journey and struggles. They never said much about it because I am too stubborn to be told. I remember getting ready to move to NYC for opera and my dad made it known that he wasn't crazy about the idea. This just made me more determined to do it. That same day, he had even mentioned that perhaps I try starting a band. I laughed and could hardly believe that he was suggesting THIS to an opera singer. I informed him of how ridiculous this was and how he didn't know what he was talking about. 

So...fast forward to the present. I am currently in pursuit of my 4th band. This blog is meant to track my adventures. I will talk about previous band experiences and how amusing, difficult and wonderful this career process can be. I hope it will serve to help others with the same dream and inspire people to not give up on what they would like to achieve in their lives.