A Nice Warm Cup of Frustration

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of excitement and disappointment right now. Things are good and bad, all at the same time. I have several great opportunities in front of me, but I am only able to pick one. I'm indecisive at the moment. It irritates me to be like this. However, I'm grateful for the opportunities! Meanwhile, I ended up losing two older opportunities. One was my own choice. I pulled myself from a project because I just didn't feel that it was my style. Remember my previous blog post on not selling out when it comes to your style? Ha ha ha! I guess I taught myself a lesson! I care about other people's music and I felt that someone else would be better suited to bring the music to life. I honestly want to help people succeed with their music and I never want to hold anyone back. The other opportunity involved a very exciting recording opportunity that has evaporated into thin air. I feel that it is due to very busy, successful musicians...that truly want to help me, but lack the time. I am incredibly frustrated, as this scenario has continuously played out over and over. There are so many generous musicians that have so much to offer, but they are too busy with their own projects. I'm very happy for them, but I'm left wondering...now what? So, once again...I'm starting back at the beginning of the maze and hoping that my next path leads me closer to what I want. I've evolved so much in my music tastes/style. My writing is better. I'm enjoying things even more! Singing feels so wonderful and free. I feel very connected with my emotions and I'm able to express them more. I really like the direction I'm headed from a trained musician's perspective. As I'm growing my skills, I'm discovering that what I want, is also changing. I want a group of talented and dedicated musicians to step up and be committed to my band. I'm tired of dealing with the talented musicians that decide to ruin themselves with drugs and alcohol. I'm done giving them chances. I'm also tired of being the one that puts 110% into travel, practice, expenses, etc...while everyone else sits back because they know I will go the extra mile because the band is my passion. I'm tired of being the nice one that forgives the guitarist for the third time after showing up to practice unprepared. I'm sick of the unprofessional, jam band mentality. I'm tired of my band becoming a place for musician-like creatures to come test the waters and leave when they find something better. In short, I'm getting really angry, frustrated, and impatient. I will not sell out on my style. I will not work with those that can't stay sober, practice, and show up prepared. I will not work with those that are not willing to give 110%. And here I sit...crickets chirping...alone. I'm using this time to decide, reflect, and let the air clear from the mess that is left. I laugh to myself when I think of all of the musicians that have seemingly disappointed me. I realize that the disappointment is actually due to my standards. I just never realized that asking for healthy, talented, and dedicated musicians was such a stretch. They've GOT to be out there. Sigh. On with my search...back into the maze.