The Cost of Happiness

As I continue my search for a serious band, I am reminded of what this endeavor has already cost me. I do a reality check with myself often and question whether I have the stamina/desire to continue on. I most definitely do! Giving up at this point is a ridiculous thought that pops into my head on difficult days, but I quickly laugh it off. I think it is normal and healthy to question anything that is consuming your life in every way imaginable. I absolutely love working with a band, but I don't think people realize how difficult and unglamorous this career can be. Like everything that is displayed on the pages of magazines, television, computers, etc...the visions of grandeur lead people to believe so many lies.

My desire to perform rock has cost me more than I ever thought it would. My social life has taken quite a dive. I'm incredibly busy...even without a band. I practice and write every day for hours. I spend time searching for the right musicians, scanning their bios and listening to sound clips. I study and listen to the most successful rock musicians in history. I research the legal and financial aspects of the industry. It is a full time job that doesn't provide a paycheck at this point. I teach private music lessons and play the piano for various ensembles to keep myself afloat. Holding a "normal" job, doesn't allow me the flexibility to travel to rehearsals/gigs and if I accept such a position, I am sealing the deal and essentially saying that I am done with rock. My life would be so much easier if I had a standard "society says it is normal" job, but I would hate my life. There are enough miserable people in the world that have followed society's rules and lies. I refuse to give up my life so that society will be comfortable and pleased with my choices. Having my own business has given me an edge when it comes to staying accountable. I understand that if I don't work hard, I will not have success and it will be my fault. I am able to run a band as a business and keep everyone on task. It is important to set goals and hold to them. I don't enjoy the relaxed attitudes of previous bands that have requested that I learn to relax and have fun. I DO have fun...when we have achieved a decent level of playing. Sounding awful, dreaming about being good "someday" and doing drugs is simply NOT fun for me. I take pride in doing a great job and staying healthy. I work first, relax later. I feel like it would be so easy to have an incredible band in record time if I could just locate like-minded individuals. I am beginning to think that the calibre of musician I desire, is busy hanging out with the unicorns, snipes and leprechauns with the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

The snobbish colleagues of my classical music days have ditched me without remorse. They don't seem to understand my change in genre, but treat me as if I am now inferior. Some of them still think that after I finish with my little bout of "insanity" and come to my senses, I will return to professional flute playing or opera. They just don't understand and how could they? They are miserable themselves. I have found that the only people that truly understand my journey, are those that have gone through a great deal of effort to achieve THEIR goals. Living your life according to what others want you to do, makes your life miserable. It always seems easier to do what others expect of you. However, it is wrong for anyone to impose their ideas and expectations onto another person. People may have the best of intentions, but we all have the right to discover our lives for ourselves. Changing our minds and making mistakes is okay! 

Aside from the hefty financial cost of my sound equipment, I have paid dearly with people. My sister refuses to speak to me. She would roll her eyes at the mere mention of a band. She informed me that I should give up and get a real career that is responsible, so that I may save for retirement. However, she is living society's dream for her life and in terms of finances, I do just as well as she does. The only difference is that I am actually happy with my life. I have seen how she struggles with her desire to be happy and the desire to achieve a certain status. It is sad to watch and unfortunately, it seems to be the standard. As for my friends, the majority are very supportive and encourage me to keep pushing on. There is one friend that encouraged me initially, but later revealed that jealousy was taking hold once I started to have some success. I was hurt and stunned by this, since I had been there to watch this friend have great success in music as well. I can only assume that this is another case of unfulfilled dreams that are the result of settling for what was available at the moment. I understand this, since I used to be in the same sinking boat.

In a perfect world, I would like to see everyone encourage and support each other in pursuing the things that they want...and allowing each other to make mistakes without ridicule. In a perfect world, I would like to find a drug-free, talented, dedicated, success driven, goal oriented band...and maybe a unicorn too!