Finding My Voice

The piano was my first instrument. I started at a very young age and this helped to set the tone for my entire music career. I also studied clarinet, flute, violin, trumpet, percussion and other instruments along the way. My goal was to be a high school concert band director/music teacher. However, I started taking voice lessons when I was about 16 years old, after my chorus director discovered that I could sing. I had a very pure "boy soprano" sound. The discovery that I had a solo voice, happened against my own wishes. I was taking part in the Pennsylvania Music Educator's Association Sr. District Chorus Festival. My chorus teacher and friends urged me to audition for a solo that required a voice like mine. I was terrified. I had never sung a solo in public and I wasn't about to start now. My director and friends convinced me to give it a try and so I nervously waited in line for the audition. I wanted to die, but I survived this new form of torture and swore I would never do it again. When I found out that I would be the one to perform John Rutter's "Loving Shepherd of Thy Sheep" in front of a packed audience at our concert, I wanted to leave the planet. I pretended to be okay with it, but I was suffering terribly. I didn't even tell my parents that I had a solo. Finally, the night of the concert arrived and my family just about had a heart attack when I stepped forward to perform. Surprise! They had no idea that I could sing. From that point on, I was always singing something. My teachers gave me art song, arias and classic music theatre pieces to sing. I performed in recitals and musicals. Eventually, I chose to study opera in college and went off to NYC to perform and study with a wonderful voice teacher that truly helped me to find my voice. Studying opera has made my voice incredibly strong and powerful. I am forever grateful to my teacher for this experience. My little voice was transformed into something that I never knew I was capable of...but I was miserable. I decided that I would leave NYC and come home to regroup and teach private voice lessons.

I had every intention of returning to NYC, but life happened. Many wonderful and devastating things happened over a 5 year period. I experienced deaths of people that were very close to me, marriage, divorce, sickness and unbearable loneliness. We all have our stories. I just never imagined that I would experience so much for so long at such a young age. I was completely drained. I felt numb and emotionless. I continued to function on automatic pilot. I remember teaching voice lessons with a fake smile on my face, while my entire body felt like it wanted to die. I didn't want to hear music. I didn't want to exist. I was sick of everyone asking me when I was going back to NYC or when I was going to perform. I would fake a smile and give some generic, hopeful response. The truth was that I actually prayed that I wouldn't be able to sing anymore. I hated that I had this ability to sing and the desire to perform. I would sing angry songs for hours and cry. I tried to destroy my voice and it just got stronger. I just wanted to be left alone. Meanwhile, I grew tired of the angry songs I was singing and felt that I had a few things to say of my own. I began writing music and lyrics that expressed just how I felt.