Life has an amazingly harsh way of shaping us...whether we want to be shaped or not. It is uncomfortable and we all get our chance on the potter's wheel. The experiences that we have are invaluable and can mold us into amazing people. It is difficult to remember that while we are suffering...and even if we are conscious of this, it still hurts. We all need to be comforted and to have an outlet. Unfortunately, many people turn to unhealthy options that end up destroying their "shaping" process. Music has been my outlet, but it also caused much of my suffering as well. This holds true, even now.
Songwriting and singing rock were the direct results of a spin on the potter's wheel. I remember attempting to write music on several occasions and failing miserably. I couldn't write lyrics that weren't absolutely ridiculous. I would've been better off writing the silly little lyrics to a children's song. I had various tunes in my head, but I just lacked the ability to connect them. Even after music school, songwriting remained my weakness. As for singing rock...HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Please. I was an opera singer with the most stubborn attitude and closed mind. I was busy practicing my Italian diction and translating scores. I valued the "superior intellect" that opera seemed to require. I thought I was really impressing people with my knowledge. I felt like I was important in a very ego driven way. I was developing the diva mentality that is all too common among people that are miserable with their careers, but determined to rise to the top. Then one day, life slammed me down on the potter's wheel and chopped my head off. Thank God.
After experiencing my five year hell (see previous blog post), I finally came to the surface and gasped for air. I seriously felt like I had been underwater. Anger, is what caused me to surface. I was livid!!! I couldn't believe how so much could go so wrong, all at once. My life was no longer the same and I wanted someone to pay. There wasn't anyone to blame. It was just life. I couldn't even talk to anyone about how I felt, because no one even realized that I was having such a difficult time. I faked that I was doing just fine. I wanted to scream, so I did. I grabbed what I considered to be the worst music on the planet. Rock. I "sang" the angry songs that other artists had written out of their own awful experiences. I figured that I might as well destroy my voice since it was teasing me with the hope of having a singing career. I figured that I would save life the trouble and seal the deal. I would sing and play the piano for hours...until I cried out of frustration. I'm not going to lie, but the singing was awful. I would just plow through. I was on a mission to shred my voice. Gradually, this mission started to provide some real stress relief and therapy. I actually started to feel more calm than I had in years and I would actually cry because I was feeling the emotions of the lyrics and music. After awhile, I noticed that my voice was so much stronger. I actually sang with expression for once. My range improved drastically and the technique that I had struggled with in NYC, was magically in place. The key was that I was finally allowing my entire body to feel genuine emotion for the first time ever. No more faking. As for the songwriting...it happened naturally. It was as if God would say..."okay Keri, here ya go...a new song with lyrics and all. Go for it." I was able to speak through the music because my emotions were real and I finally had something to say. I gave my singing and writing a test run with friends and family. I was actually enjoying myself. I was happy! I was completely shocked at how I had morphed into a rock singer/songwriter. More than anything though...I couldn't believe that I didn't care if people didn't like what I was doing. I didn't need their acceptance or approval because I wasn't going to quit. I loved what I was doing and that's all that mattered.
“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." -Marshall
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